Selinium.

I wonder if my depression turns people away.
I wonder if they see the sadness that's constant in my eyes.
If they themselves wonder what's making me so heavyhearted.

I've known people over the years, but none of them have stuck with me.
I know it's on me. I've mentally pushed them aside. I put my sadness over their happiness.
I suppose that's not okay in a friendship, but I really can't help it.
It's not easy being sad all the time. It's hard not smiling, laughing.
And it's not like there's an easy fix all the time. People just like to believe so.

Depression for me, means being so utterly and completely sad, and alone, and hopeless,
that you forget what brought the sadness on in the first place.
It's not just one thing, it's all things. Things that make you remember things you once forgot.
Things that once made you happy, because, the worst thing is to remember a time when you could smile.
So you just don't, you repress it. You push it aside like everything else.

Depression for me, is being sad for as long as you can remember.
Smiling when your family is looking, and turning away when the tears start to show.
It's not easy not being able to be happy for the ones you love.
Because they deserve better. But the depression gets in the way for what you want, it decides for you.

My head is a dark, dark place.
It does not come in cycles anymore, like it did before.
For a time, at least.

Pain is all I have left. It's my constant companion. He never leaves my side.
Always lurking around the corner while I scrunch in a quick laugh or two.
And I stand there, always watching my back, 'cause i know he's there,
just waiting for the darkness to force itself into the cracks of my very fragile soul.
My constant shadow. Lover, friend and my very own stalker.
He's the one thing I can count on. I just can't seem to shake him.

It's like I'm at the beginning again, you know.
Have I started all over again?

Jag välkomnade Våren med ett leende på läpparna.

Jag förväntade mig Glädjen, men istället kom du hand i hand med Ensamheten.

Våren gick ut och lämnade mig med mina ständigt närvarande bästa vänner.

Jag, Sorgen, Depressionen och nu mer Ensamheten,

satte oss ned i soffan och tittade ledsamt ut på Våren som gjorde glädjeskutt utanför fönstret.

Sakta men säkert lät vi oss slukas upp av varandras känslor tills vi blev en perfekt rund boll av självförakt.

Aldrig innan har Våren varit så självisk.

I try to run. I run as fast as I possibly can. I need to get away from it all, or to catch up, maybe even get ahead.
It's hard when I'm sad all the time. I have nothing to do. Nothing to work towards. I see no future with me in it.
All I see is this black hole that keeps pulling me in, slowing down time the further away from reality I get.
There's too much, and not nearly enough. I want to free my soul. I want to run and hide. I wish to leave my body and turn it into dust. As free as the stars who once gave their energy for me to have. It's my turn to explode.

To be You.

I wish I was more like You.
Not because of who You are or what You do.
You have problems just like me, maybe even more.
But You don't just sit around watching the time pass You by,
and then wonder why everything's still the same.
Like I always have, and probably always will.

You try and try and You'll try a thousand times before You rest. Maybe I'll try for a second. If I'm lucky I'll try for two at best..


Honestly, like I've said before. I don't care of who or what I am or will become.
I just want to be happy, if even just for a while. Just a minute.
Just one second of my life. I'd like to be happy.

There was no more tears, only silence.
The music was off and the wind seemed no more.
The rain was calm in the air and everything's on pause.
"What to do?", she thought, and went to bed.