Selinium.

I'm 26
now, today
and I've never felt smaller
younger
in a way younger than before

I've always felt stuck
never moving forward
eternally 16, I think
I'm the same as then
never evolving

I stopped moving
and I never picked up again
motion, what even is that
I wouldn't know
I never knew how to move

I've never known how to stay

I keep thinking this might be it
maybe I have suffered enough
but then again, perhaps not
perhaps it hasn't even begun

Jag är rädd för vad du skulle tycka om mig nu
jag har varit rädd för det i flera år
Det är något jag tänker mycket på

Det slutade alltid med att vi satt tysta till ljudet av Tvn
båda väntandes på att den andre skulle börja

Båda lika lite att prata om, lika tomma liv.

I envy the way that people mourn.

 

I just stop, and I stay there.

I feel like everything that has ever happened to me, happened yesterday.

No matter how far back I go, it's all new to me.
I never let myself feel anything. So I feel it all, over and over.

I keep my wounds wide open, the blood never quite stops.

Jag är så glad över att just våra liv
råkade överlappas med varandra

Vilken tur att jag fick känna just dig
den korta stunden i denna finita evighet
som vi kallar livet

Det räcker inte
men det är bättre än ingenting alls

You are as beautiful as you are empty.

Here is the truth;
It's been so long since I've been held
that even in my dreams
I move away before anyone can ever touch me.

Jag skulle vilja skriva.. något
men mina ord har tagit slut
allt jag hör är min panikslagna puls.

Jag skulle vilja känna.. något
men mina känslor har gått överstyr
allt som finns kvar är likgiltighet.

Jag skulle vilja se.. något
men jag har blivit förblindad
allt jag kan se är nyanser av nonsens.

Jag skulle vilja leva..
men jag vet inte hur
allt jag orkar tänka på är att ta nästa andetag
allt jag orkar känna är apatin
allt jag orkar se, är besvikelsen i era ögon.

So far, keeping it together has had to be enough.

It is such a miracle

having good days like this
It is such a tragedy

my memory cannot retain it

I was taught love by loving parents
I was taught how to love by the absence of it
I was taught that love wasn't enough
That it never is

I was taught that love doesn't conquer. everything. anything
So I learned how to hide.
It is how I learned avoidance.

I feel like pouring my heart out like summer rain
but my heart is empty, and I cannot remember a time when it was not

Explosion or implosion
that is the extent of my choices

Either way.. things will burn

I wish I could live with intention, with purpose

but I'm afraid I live purely out of habit.
I simply breathe because I always have.