Selinium.

I wonder if my depression turns people away.
I wonder if they see the sadness that's constant in my eyes.
If they themselves wonder what's making me so heavyhearted.

I've known people over the years, but none of them have stuck with me.
I know it's on me. I've mentally pushed them aside. I put my sadness over their happiness.
I suppose that's not okay in a friendship, but I really can't help it.
It's not easy being sad all the time. It's hard not smiling, laughing.
And it's not like there's an easy fix all the time. People just like to believe so.

Depression for me, means being so utterly and completely sad, and alone, and hopeless,
that you forget what brought the sadness on in the first place.
It's not just one thing, it's all things. Things that make you remember things you once forgot.
Things that once made you happy, because, the worst thing is to remember a time when you could smile.
So you just don't, you repress it. You push it aside like everything else.

Depression for me, is being sad for as long as you can remember.
Smiling when your family is looking, and turning away when the tears start to show.
It's not easy not being able to be happy for the ones you love.
Because they deserve better. But the depression gets in the way for what you want, it decides for you.